Conrad Parker


Thu Oct 24 1996

Killing Zoo

Let's make a proposal to Taronga to have a separate Killing Zoo where we get to see live animals as they are in the wild, except their limbs are staked to the ground.

There's signs at each enclosure saying "Do Not Shoot The Animals" except they sell artillery in the kiosks.

It's a hurdy-gurdy frenzy of hypocrisy, and a frenzy of hurgly-gurgly hippos. I'd hate to have to clean out the cages.

Sun Nov 3 1996


I propose that we replace the world's TVs with vegetable plots. Not only will it protect our children from violence, but they'll learn by watching the vegetables growing for hours each day.

Boat Fluid

Imagine if boats needed boat fluid instead of a hull.

Small children would have a much easier bathtime, as their crap boats would float given enough boat fluid. In fact, I reckon you could float a brick if you had enough boat fluid, but not a house cos that would sink.


If we replace the world's VCRs with ant farms, not only would our children be protected from violence in films, but they would learn a lot by watching the ants for hours each day; -- although the ants would die when you rewound them.

Hand Bank

Do you sometimes wish you had an helping hand? And other times, you're a lazy shit and one hand's good enough? I propose we have a hand bank, where we all keep our hands. When you go to do something, you borrow as many hands as you need from the hand bank, but no more. On average, everyone will have precisely the right number of hands to get any task done. And the interest earned on the hands will help pay to mop up the blood.

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Copyright © 1995-2010 Conrad Parker <>. Last modified Tue Feb 19 2002