Well, some of it cracked me up.

> ------- Start of forwarded message -------
> 
> Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
> bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of
> many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous
> bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which
> plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
> simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they
> still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are
> they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell
> either.
> 
> The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
> place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as
> either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all
> three.  Typically, it is unique in this.
> 
> The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can
> be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is
> true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia
> has 9 of them.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the
> 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there
> are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed
> them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors
> should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under
> toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A
> stick is very useful for this task.
> 
> Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that
> are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year
> is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and
> spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During
> the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.
> 
> The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is
> indestructible.  Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds
> muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often
> wander the roads.  Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high
> speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very
> annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking
> away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical
> high-speed launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not
> adequately described.
> 
> The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing
> behavior.If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the
> Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is
> collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up
> against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its
> collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to
> withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The
> unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the
> wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the
> third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk
> about it much.
> 
> At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged
> relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed
> feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the
> electric eel, and has venemous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus
> combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable
> creature.
> 
> The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a
> short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived
> in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of
> them died.  The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of
> nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They
> settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange
> stories.
> 
> Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
> More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
> stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
> (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving
> from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food,
> and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been
> treasured ever since.
> 
> It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
> themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since
> they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized
> culture, they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily
> survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped
> with a stick.
> 
> Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
> Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
> caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
> where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
> to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
> necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal
> surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
> the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
> 
> There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
> the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
> venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
> jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
> pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back
> that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching
> a beach sunset is worth the risk.
> 
> As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
> expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
> cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger,
> unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and
> impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a
> stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of
> corrugated iron, string, and mud.
> 
> Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass
> is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
> proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that
> fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of
> "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none,
> strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
> 
> There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not
> under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you
> are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a
> Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation
> (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a
> minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country,
> eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in
> the world!".
> 
> It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
> 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where
> Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not
> refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the
> next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and
> wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get
> home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time
> in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will
> sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these
> events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new
> embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer
> was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
> 
> Most Australians are now urban dewllers, having discovered the primary
> use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
> 
> Typical Australian sayings
> 
> "G'Day!"
> "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
> "She'll be right."
> 
> "And down from Kosioskco, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn
> and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and
> the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty
> sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to
> the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River
> is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his
> ride."
> 
> Tips to Surviving Australia
> 
> Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.
> We mean it.
> 
> The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
> think it is.
> 
> Always carry a stick.
> 
> Air-conditioning.
> 
> Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
> linguist and good in a fistfight.
> 
> Thick socks.
> 
> Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
> people nearby.
> 
> If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
> at all times, or you will die.
> 
> Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
> always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
> 
> See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most
> useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects,
> animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
> ------- End of forwarded message -------