Conrad Parker

Nonsense Verse

Tue Oct 22 1996


I once caught a train to Umpton,
So did a murderous bream.
It swam up my arse with a truncheon
And beat me to death from within.

Thu Oct 24 1996

The Burning Scotsman

There once was a Scotsman, known for his fun, He lit fires at parties with the cheeks of his bum. With some flint by his side and a match up his arse, He'd run through the halls setting alight what he passed. The men would cheer and the lasses would swoon As his smoking butt brought mirth to the room.

Sun Nov 3 1996

I'd like to be a bear

O to be a bear with long brown hair Paws to catch fish and fangs.

I'd like to be a shark

O to be a shark Streamlined and grey, Smiling at the fish And biting seals.

Tue Feb 25 1997


I've got candlewax on my tonsils,
Candlewax in my teeth,
Candlewax on the roof of my mouth
makes it hard to breathe.

Maybe if I take a rope
And tie it 'round my tongue
Light it and I hope
It won't burn right through to my bum.

Thu Feb 27 1997


Hedgehogs live in hedges
Edgehogs live on the edge
They walk to the end of the garden
And sit upon the ledge.

My pinkie

My pinkie likes salmon
My pinkie likes bream
My pinkie is almost
Engulfed by its whim.

Tue Feb 3 1998


I took a trip to Naples With a butt full of staples So much fun, I couldn't bear to leave (They had magnets). In May I swam to Chile Got a snap frozen willy So upset, when it came time to return (I fell apart). I once drove to Brisbane with an inkling of wisdom So keen, I soon was to depart (There's stupid people in Brisbane too).

Wed Feb 11 1998


Sometimes I eat porridge
Sometimes I eat wheat
But I prefer to eat bananas
Because I eat them with my feet.

Sat Jun 20 1998

Iguana Rhumba

I once had a pet iguana He called himself Van Gogh He changed colour to that of a pirahna And then bit off his toe.

Coffee Critters

There's things crawling around in my coffee, things crawling around in my tea, I don't quite know what they are but now they're crawling around in me

Sun Oct 18 1998


I made a brick with termites,
It wasn't very good
I tried to make a house with it
And it got infested with wood.

Fri Mar 19 1999

Carousel Worms

I caught the fun fair carousel
It didn't take me far
Just went around in circles
And left my stomach charred.


Copyright © 1995-2010 Conrad Parker <>. Last modified Tue Feb 19 2002